Mimosas and Infinity Stones – Geek Girl Brunch reviews ‘Guardians’

Have you seen Guardians of the Galaxy yet? I know, right? It’s only the greatest Summer Blockbuster of 2014 co-starring Burt Macklin FBI and it made precisely 18 kajillion dollars and I’m here to tell you that you should definitely, totally, absolutely see it. For realsies. Right now. Go. Run. RUN TO SEE IT.

Alight, those of you not running-  I will convince you!

The first question you are going to ask me is, “What is Guardians of the Galaxy about?”

Well, Guardians in the latest Marvel movie (it’s Marvel Month!) and the plot is basically an exploration of what would happen if you took a wise ass kid who grew up in middle America in the early 80s and stuck him in space where he would communicate primarily in untranslatable pop culture references (‘Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra’ amiright?) while hitting on alien ladies, pissing off Party Elves (no wait, not that THAT elf. Oh wait.. no actually yea, THAT Elf.) local police forces and cyborgs and then when you FAIL to save the galaxy a tree saves your ass and wins the day because we all read Shel Silverstein and we know that TREES ARE THE MOST AMAZING AND SELFLESS HEROES OF ALL. There’s also a Raccoon with a machine gun. Done. It’s a little MIB, a little Fifth Element, a little Farscape. It’s a nearly perfect film that I will now review using gifs of it’s nearly perfect lead actor in a major motion picture and the Oscar goes to:

The first ten minutes are basically identical to Cocoon. I swear. So if you’ve seen Cocoon you know that bald people are special, aliens are real and sentiment is what is going to keep this whole thing from falling apart. It’s ok. You can cry.

Then we launch into the film and Marvel believes in truth in advertising. Meaning they are gonna play some rad tunes for your earholes. Enjoy.

It’s not an adventure film without a chase scene. Or 12. WITH SPACE SHIPS!

Then the main love interest is introduced and she is really cool and everyone loves her and she is so pretty and OH GOD SHE JUST KICKED A GUY TO DEATH AND HE LIKED IT.

And finally, FINALLY we  meet our hero and his furry, gun-toting sidekick and our hero is just as majestic and tough and handsome and fiscally responsible as your Mom wants your heroes to be for you. I mean.. just LOOK AT HIM:

A TREASURE.

Then of course there needs to be plot so they all end up in a coed prison where they pick up a guy who talks like a yahoo questions commentor. Oh, and there’s a joke about a false leg. You have to have been there. It’s a good joke. The furry gun-toting sidekick is funny. Hi-five furry gun-toting sidekick.

PRISON BREAK.

This is a Marvel movie, i swear! There’s even a mysterious magical item of power! Does our hero feel the ache of temptation? Is he worthy? WILL HE PREVAIL?

Ugh wait, no. Some of the other Guardians aren’t as perfect as our hero. The team hits a low point. Though I’m not pointing any branches at the giant pink culprit.

Then there’s an important moment of heroics and questionable realism that boils down to one thing:

Which leads us to the ally round up. We’re getting ready for the upcoming boss fight. Now is a perfect time for Guardians to hit us with some character development and that’s all well and good but in reality you are sitting in the theater like:

And Guardian delivers! The climax of the film is touching, funny and full of moments where our hero can really play to his strengths.

And, of course, the hero saves the day with an act of love and sacrifice and ‘Oh god, are the lights in the theater coming up because I am crying and NO ONE LOOK AT ME’.

The Guardians are a team of misfits, losers and a pretty cool raccoon you will absolutely (g)root for. Proof positive that a doughy couch potato can (with enough private sessions, financial motivation and kale smoothies) really get his act together and achieve that comic book physique he’s always wanted.

The supporting characters are hilarious and populate the film with the kind of people you would love to see keep on living. As long as they don’t overshadow the REAL STAR. And he doesn’t mind me saying that.

If, like me,  your 80’s childhood dream was to be abducted by space aliens, taken to the furthest reaches of space and beyond, to have adventures and make discoveries beyond your wildest imagination – you will friggin’ LOVE Guardians of the Galaxy.

It’s what a comic book movie SHOULD be. A good romp that doesn’t take itself too seriously. And pelvic sorcery.

Oh and here’s a link to the soundtrack. You’re gonna want that.

-Editor’s Note: Rachel would like to thank GGB for allowing her to write a review of Guardians of the Galaxy in a way that enabled her to use practically all of the gifs saved in a file on her computer labeled “Twenty Menthol Kools”. She also accepts the fact that she was not allowed to embed videos of Vin Diesel singing Rihanna songs alone in his basement. But she encourages you to google those because they are amazing.

-Additional Editor’s Note: No, we’re not talking about that after credits scene. NOPE.